I sometimes wonder if this is all I need, my family, my home, my everyday, which remains pretty constant throughout the year, year after year. Lots of groundhog days, very little to look forward to, events & excursions very few & far between. I have dreams for myself and sometimes I feel guilty for having those dreams. Sometimes, I am so consumed by my own dreams that I tend to not be in the present, and I know my kids know that I'm not really there openly embracing the situations that are going on around me. I am imagining a whole world of possibilities for me. It is escapism, and it is my saviour. Going through the motions isn't enough, it really isn't. There are times, I admit it, when I just can't cope, can't possibly listen to another whinge, can't have another childish conversation, can't hear "watch this mum", can't wash up one more time, can't be ignored one more time, and so, I run to me. Into my world, where my life is free & the possibilites are endless. Alot of the time I feel terribly alone and at a loss with this parenting gig, it's like stumbling around in the dark, trying to find a light switch when the whole room has been rearranged!. Is it right to want something for yourself when you're a mother, and still do a good job at parenting?. I'm just not sure if I'm getting it right, whether i should be entertaining some little dreams for myself or not...maybe that is the problem!!. I am trying my hardest & I'll never give up on my kids and my family, I am in it for the long haul, fortitude would be my strong point, but I think I also need a little of something else. Selfish, or self maintenance.? So look, I just want to say, I know I sometimes seem a bit vague. But, if you happen to come across me, probably at the kitchen sink(!), and it seems like I'm not paying attention to you, please know I am. I'm listening, I truly am, (it's a skill all mothers have, to listen to 10 conversations at once!), but, I'm also listening to me. There is a little place inside my mind that is set aside just for me, and I truly don't know how I would cope without it.
Here is a great post on Fortitude , have a read.
Ah Chookster - beautifully said. Lord...it has to be tough sometimes living where you live and having 4 kids...I guess living in a bigger city there is more time for "me" rather than just the "mum in me". Or at least there are more things to get involved in that give me a bit more gratification than just being in the every day grind. For what it's worth though Chookster you really do have the most amazing kids...never have met kids like them...and it is no doubt because you are such a great Mum. Oh yeah - and also a truly wonderful friend and amazing person to be around at all times! Now that your kids are growing (and so are mine) let's try and plan more things for ourselves, whether they be together or not....it is NOT selfish to want something for you Chookster - simply because in 10 years from now none of your kids will really NEED you, and if you turn around and there is nothing there for you - then well - what will we have??? Bring on your visit to Sydney huh...when do you think you can come? Love you x
ReplyDeleteAhhhh.... I think I have been to that place too Chookie, many times... I just didn't know what to call it. It is so true and I think at the end of the day if a mother didn't feel a little guilty about something, guaranteed she isn't doing a good job...not possible to get everything right all the time, and if one thought you were then they are truly misguided!!!! Nobody is perfect but I have to say, you come pretty damn close. Love you with all my heart... xo
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